Larry S. has it right....Admission of Disease & Illness.

"it's the ultimate admission of disease. You can't deny anything anymore. It's like wearing a big 'A.' ''

 Patient: Larry S.

By GINA KOLATA/Nytimes
Published: March 21, 1989

Day 2 

A small number of days have pasted post my discharge.It feels like I'm standing beside myself.I am.

It's my Shadow.It is me.I knew.He would return.I knew.We would return.I still have no answers from him nor he from me.We dont understand time.I knew,he'd return & reappear.I'd always hope he someday would get lost.He never would find me if I ran.I ran so far.It became life,He knew the time would come.Over the years. He showed up. These years have become Chronicled between us.

Now, he returns again for another questionable beginning or possible end.He is without words but does not hide.The Sun brings him out in darkness.

It seems like yesterday but it cant be.Years have past.We sat together in the sun. I recall the past whenever we are together & wonder of a future.I want to just forget & move on. Who wants to remember? I've always wanted to forget.Forget pain.Like a hard slap in face over and over. My shadow is beside me. I relize its me..I always wanted to grow without him.As much as I went.He followed.He never could explain,Why?My face had to hurt and a heart that just had to.

I'm a product of a Medical study that began 10 years  prior to my exsistance.In 1965 Dr. Stanley Dudrick lead research science at the University of  Pennsylvania.They had been giving nutrients with IV to dogs this led to today’s Total Parenteral Nutrition(TPN).he is widely recognized  and respected throughout the scientific, academic and clinical world for his innovative and pioneering research in this development of the specialized central venous feeding technique known as intravenous hyperalimentation (IVH). 

I'm caring for myself now.I received several calls today to explain scheduling difficulties.so there would be no visiting nurse available.As the phone conversation went my knowledge & comprehension more than likely was the culprit of a lazy care support program that would ultimately serve the general public not trained. 

I'm having sleepless nights.